bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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