she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
