Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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