i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
