So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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