hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
