moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
