Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
