My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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