Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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