i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
