Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
