xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Randomize
