She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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