my mouth tastes like poor choices
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
