when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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