I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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