i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
