When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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