mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
