I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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