I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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