I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
