A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
