You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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