Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
