Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
