She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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