Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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