Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
