Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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