I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
