does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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