I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
