dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
