Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
