she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You were trust falling into bushes
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
