where am i from again
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize