I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
