Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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