Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
