just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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