Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
