I am puke
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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