No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
