If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
