two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
