i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
