i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
