Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
